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[rosebyanyother]

"Morrigan Prince. I'm afraid I'm too busy to answer at the moment, but leave a message and I promise to respond as soon as I'm able."

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[rosebyanyother]

[Peter reaches across the desk to rest his hand on Jon's arm for a moment.]

Nothing. As far as I know, he did nothing. [He moves his hand, now, but leaves it resting on the desk between them.] I met him...months ago, now. He was looking for libraries and asked me to look up the directions to the nearest one on his comm when I told him I couldn't do it on my own because I'd left it at home. All in all, the conversation lasted about 5 minutes.

I haven't seen or heard from him since.

[compellingstatement]

[It doesn't assuage Jon much. He can still feel his heart thumping rapidly in his chest, and he stares at Peter with a white-eyed terror that he likely hasn't seen since the confrontation with Cullen. But Jon takes a few deep breaths. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.]

He was toying with you. Elias wouldn't need directions like that.

[Jon reaches for the bottle of vodka and pours himself another healthy measure to knock back in one searing gulp.]

I'm sorry. I... I don't want you to be hurt. He- Elias can torture people. It's not just blackmail. If they get in his way... he has the ability to transfer memories from one person to another. To give them a full sensory experience. He's used it to torture my staff with the deaths of their loved ones, other horrible things they weren't there to see. It would only happen if you became a threat, though.

Just try to stay away from him, please?

[Jon reaches out to grasp Peter's hand.]

[rosebyanyother]

I promise I have no intention of going looking for him.

[Well. Now he doesn't, certainly.

Peter didn't look concerned before, but he certainly does now. Though perhaps he's also.....morbidly touched. Jon looks so terrified and it is...it can only be on his behalf.

...Though on the subject of morbidity...he now also wonders just what Elias would use to hurt him with. Whose memories he might possibly use. Mag, maybe. Juno's thoughts as he left that night? There have been so few people that Peter has allowed close enough to hurt him.]

[compellingstatement]

[It's something of a relief to hear that and know that Peter is many things, and practical is one of them. Staying away from a potential threat is the only sensible thing to do. Jon reaches out with his other hand, now holding Peter between his own and staring down at that point of connection. He begins to knead the other man's hand to sooth his own nerves.]

Thank you. I suppose the question is do you want anything with me, knowing that? Elias will be a threat as long as he's here. He created me, the Archivist, and so he thinks I belong to him. I don't, obviously, but he... can command me to a certain extent. It's just to physically call me to him, though. He can't affect my mind any other way.

He can't make me hurt you.

[rosebyanyother]

[Peter glances down at their hands too, once Jon has taken his and started to massage it.]

I'm not scared of you hurting me. [That...is maybe a bit of a lie but it's the truth too. He isn't scared of Jon hurting him like that. There are other fears he has. They have nothing to do with Elias or his influence.] But...I meant what I said. I don't want to be-

[But that isn't precisely what he means, is it? Or at least, when Peter goes to restate it, he realizes how his words could be mistaken.]

If it came to it, I wouldn't want you to let him use me as a weapon against you. I don't particularly relish the idea of accepting the consequences for my actions...but it's preferable to the alternative.

[The idea of being used to make Jon do something he doesn't want to do.]

[compellingstatement]

I- I can't promise that, Morrigan. You're important to me. You're already important to me. You're my friend. I never had many of those. And now I'm here and I have more than I know what to do with and all of you are always in danger because of me. I play it out in my mind sometimes, what I'd do. What I could do if he went after you or Martin or Alessandro or...

I don't know that I could do anything. I'm not... clever like you or Martin. I'm not an idiot, but Elias is on another level. He's playing 4-Dimensional Chess and I'm stuck at 2 dimensions. I don't know what game he's actually playing here and that's- it scares me. I don't know what he wants. He already used me to end our world.

[He's... mentioned that to Peter, hasn't he?]

I don't know what else he wants, but he won't let me go. And I'm so scared for all of you... all the time.

[rosebyanyother]

[....He has not made any mention of an apocalypse to Peter, no. But that seems like - oddly enough - the least important part of all that information to address.

Peter does understand when Jon says he can't promise not to let Elias use him as blackmail material. He understands that it is a tough ask for certain people. The type determined to do or be good. (He doesn't think Juno would have agreed either.) And even though he is...concerned about the idea of being used to keep Jon in line, it is very hard to let go of this budding...relationship. Whatever it is or might become. He should be stronger and turn away but then there are certain things Peter has never had the strongest willpower for.]

That...sounds like an extremely exhausting position to be put in. [If he can, Peter attempts to intertwine his fingers with one of Jon's hands] And I can only speak for myself, but...

Knowing and acknowledging that danger is my choice. Because yes, I do still want to pursue this. Whatever it turns out to be. I won't make you promise but I hope that if it does come to it...well. That you'd at least tell me and allow me the choice of taking on those consequences.

[compellingstatement]

I'll tell you. [He's been trying to get better about being open, communicative. It's difficult. Talking about feelings is always a challenge. This conversation is brought to Peter by a good deal of alcohol. Jon lets their fingers intertwine and lifts the other man's hand up. He starts to lean in to kiss his fingers, panics a bit with there being other bad things and just ends up lowering it down to the desk again.]

There's- there are other things. It's not just that. Things you should know. About me. About what the Archivist is.

[He draws in a breath and rubs his thumb along Peter's hand.]

You've... seen what I am. A monster. That's not just- It's what I am. Now. The Archivist is an avatar of the Beholding, a creature designed to inflict terror on its victims and feed on their suffering. Perpetually.

I've been- god, I've tried to be so careful with you. I Know< you have a Statement. I can taste it on my tongue any time you're around. Miasma. I want to know more, I want to- there is a part of me that wants to rip it out of you and feast on it, on you. Your horror.

It wouldn't end there, either. You'd have nightmares... for the rest of your life. Reliving... whatever that name is connected to and I was would be there watching. I don't dream, Morrigan. Not anymore. The Beholding's realm is dreams. And so... the Archivist walks. I visit my victims every night and I watch them suffer. Some of them see me, some of them don't. But they can feel me. Someone who is there simply to watch them suffer. I can't hurt them or help them beyond that. I just watch.

But it's why you must never give me a verbal Statement. And you need to know I've done horrible things to people. I do horrible things to them every night and it's not fair... but it's what the Archivist is. What I am.

[rosebyanyother]

[Peter listens. He does not try to interject or interrupt because he owes it to Jon to listen. He can't help, of course, the way that he tenses when Jon brings up Miasma. But he listens. (Perhaps in the very beginning his mind is a little stuck on the way Jon seemed to be lifting his hand with purpose but that does eventually fade to the background.)

His first response, when Jon is done, is a murmur.]

I had been wondering for a while what you meant when you said you didn't want to hurt me.

[Then, at a slightly more normal volume.]

Thank you for telling me that. I'm not sure I believe that's all that you are but...I understand. [Jon is saying that what and who he is is a monster and Peter believes he's seen so much more than that. Even the fact that Jon appears to be struggling against that nature seems to imply to him that he isn't just the Archivist.] In any event....my hands certainly aren't particularly clean either.

[If Jon seems to think he needs to know all this, then perhaps.....yes, well. They are disclosing. And as much as it frightens him, as much as he has a strong urge to take back those words or say nothing more....he steels himself. Takes a breath. Wonders if what he is will make Jon turn away.]

I haven't always been particularly scrupulous in who I've stolen from or what I've been asked to steal. And I've killed people. Not wantonly, never for no reason at all. I prefer to handle situations without it. But sometimes it has simply been the most efficient option to dealing with a situation.

I won't judge you for this. I can't. For a very long time my life has been completing jobs, no matter what it takes, and asking very few questions. Never looking back to see the consequences.

[compellingstatement]

[Jon can't help the fondness that washes through him as Peter tries to compare being an unscrupulous thief to what the Archivist has done. He appreciates the gesture, if nothing else, and finally lifts Peter's hand properly to kiss it.]

I didn't think you were Robin Hood, if it helps. I found you in that den of silver-tongued bastards, after all. I'd have been surprised if you weren't one at some point. [He takes a deep breath.] I suppose that's... more or less the bulk of it laid out on the table, then. You're an awful thief, I'm a terrible monster, and we've somehow decided, collectively, it's still a good idea to proceed with this. Is that right?

[rosebyanyother]

Yes I suppose it is.

[Again, Peter is slightly distracted by Jon taking the initiative to kiss his hand. He doesn't do anything so foolish as swoon, but his lashes do flutter a moment.

And he smiles, squeezing Jon's hand for a brief moment.]

We don't have to....jump into anything, though. I think it's probably best that we simply...acknowledge that this could be something more and let it develop as it will.

[Perhaps that's disingenuous. Knowing they both have feelings for each other will surely lead them to want to act on it. At least it some part. But diving in headfirst seems terrifying.]

[compellingstatement]

Yes, I think that's... wise. I am... very fond of you. [They've exchanged 'feelings' over text, but it seems important to mention it here.] I'm not entirely sure when that happened. Maybe when you rescued me from that customer.

[Sort of. The intent had been there.]

It was very, er... gallant.

[rosebyanyother]

I'm fond of you too.

[His smile returns, broader and fonder, though there's a wry shade to it when Jon speculates on when his feeling developed. "Sort of" indeed.]

I'm glad you appreciated the attempt. [He hums, considering the information and reflecting backwards to give his own response.] I think it might have been back when I gave you that haircut, for me.

[The vulnerability Jon had shown him...even though he knew at the time and knows now that it wasn't altogether intentionally given. It had sparked something in him anyway.

After a moment, though, Peter's expression becomes contemplative and serious.]

...That story you want from me. Is there a way I can give it to you safely? I don't particularly like to think of you struggling every time you see me.

[compellingstatement]

[The mention of the haircut has Jon self-consciously thinking of the current state of his hair. It's grown out since Agnes' explosion enough to stick out at odd angles if he doesn't do something to tame it, but it's still just a little too short to pull back into a full ponytail. But that had been nice, as well. Letting Peter touch him, falling asleep on him...

Jon clears his throat.]

What? Oh. Um...

[He looks down at their clasped hands.]

Writing it down. If it's written, it won't hurt you. It's just anything verbal. You don't... there's no need for you to give it to me if you don't want to. [He desperately wants it, but he's trying to be good.] I'd appreciate it, though. I am... very curious. [When he returns his own gaze to Peter, there's something hungry in his own look, and the sense of being watched in this room intensifies for a moment.]

[rosebyanyother]

[It's a sensation that he's slowly getting used to. And besides, without the appearance of the Archivist himself, it isn't as terrible as it could be. Not desirable but also not something that sends up warning bells immediately.

It's his turn to cover their intertwined hands, gaze earnest.]

I know I don't have to. I trust that you don't want to hurt me but I'm sure it isn't easy worrying about it. Why not take that worry out of the equation?

[He offers this lightly, or at least in a light tone. In reality, there is nothing casual about the offer. To provide Jon with the context of who Miasma was, what she wanted and why she loomed so large in his memory...

Well. It's all very painful. Some of it isn't even horror. Still. He's willing to offer it to Jon, if it will make their lives easier.]

[compellingstatement]

[It really should take more to twist his arm here. He should be stronger than this, more reassuring about his own self-restraint. But Jon's been restraining himself for a year now, and he wants Miasma.]

All right. I have a form for you to fill in for it. I'll keep it confidential, of course. All of the ones from the other LIERs are unless they've told me otherwise. Thank you for this, Morrigan. It's, um... something that's been on my mind for some time. It won't fix everything. You've been through too much here, but I think... I think it's what the Watcher wants. What... I want?

[His brow furrows.] It's hard to tell sometimes what's me and what's... if it's anything else.

[rosebyanyother]

[Peter makes a sound of acknowledgment in response to Jon's musings. He doesn't have much to add to that, doesn't really have a frame of reference himself.]

Whatever it is...if it helps you then I'm happy to do it.

[He pauses for a long moment, brushing his thumb back and forth over the back of Jon's palm as he does.]

...How did it...happen? If you don't mind telling me, of course. [After a moment, he clarifies a bit.] You said it's what you are now.

[compellingstatement]

[Jon's quiet for a moment as he gathers his thoughts.]

I told you about the Statements, becoming dependent on them. They were a way to feed the Watcher. In turn, it fed me. It wasn't... all at once, I suppose. Little steps, slips here and there. Growing abilities. But at the Unknowing, I- I died. More or less. My body was too broken. Everything was dead except for my brain. The doctors couldn't explain it, so they just left me in a bed and called it a coma.

With what happened, I came to the precipice. Too human to live, too changed to just die. I had to pick a side. While I was in the coma, the Eye and another power, the End, were fighting over me. The Watcher kept me wandering the dreams on a loop until I made my choice. I chose to live. I thought- [He bites his lip and frowns.]

I'd like to say I was hoping I could use these powers to do something good. Honestly? I was... scared. I didn't want to die.

Selfish...

[rosebyanyother]

Wanting to survive isn't selfish.

[It's an almost immediate response. Peter knows as he says it that Jon will argue with him. He'll tell him that the price of his survival is selfish. He'll talk about the pain that he's caused. And perhaps those are valid arguments.

But Peter is too attached to Jon to think of him dying with anything but dismay. Not to mention that he has made...certain choices of his own regarding survival. Both things mean that he feels very strongly about this, and it shows in his expression. The way he leans forward across the desk in emphasis.]

[compellingstatement]

[Jon returns his gaze to Peter and stares at him for a long moment.]

For Elias to conduct his ritual, the Archivist needed to be marked by all Fourteen of Smirke's Dread Powers. To experience them and to fear for their life in that experience. That's what all these scars I have are.

[He lifts the hand that Peter isn't holding and moves it around to different scars.] The Corruption. [A touch of the pockmarks.] The Hunt. [The slice across his throat.] The Desolation. [He wiggles his burn-scarred hand.] The Spiral and Slaughter. [He touches his shoulders where Peter would have seen larger, uglier gashes than just the pockmarks when he was painting.] I'm missing two ribs from the Flesh. The others are more... metaphysical.

What happened in that coma was my scar for the End. It was always going to be one of the hardest for him to arrange. Maybe only one step behind the Web if I hadn't come pre-marked with that to the Institute.

Surviving is what let him finish his ritual. Surviving every time is why I... why the ritual could be completed. I don't want to die, Peter, but it was selfish.

[rosebyanyother]

[Peter is normally silver-tongued but in the wake of what Jon tells him, he is uncharacteristically silent. Some of it is Jon cataloguing his scars and the explanation for their existence.


Some of it is being arrested by the use of his name. Jon is usually so very good about using the alias, even though he must understand that it's a...silly sort of stubbornness on Peter's part. So. To hear it used gives even more weight for the seriousness of Jon's words. Peter doesn't react, or if he does it's subtle. A short intake of breath that only goes halfway before he releases it again.

And then...some of it is not knowing if he has the words, the understanding to argue this. He wants to argue it, though. Finally, he settles on a question.]

Did you understand that at the time?

[It isn't an accusation. It doesn't sound like an accusation. Peter cannot imagine Jon making that conscious choice, if he had known what it would mean.]

[compellingstatement]

[He sees what Peter is doing.]

Not the extent, but I... I knew I was hurting people. My victims. The coma was when I figured out they weren't just my own nightmares. I knew that waking up meant those people would keep suffering. They'll never stop suffering. Not until I die or they do.

What's the value of a life? If you knew your life was contingent on the continued, inescapable misery of other people, would you choose to keep it?

[rosebyanyother]

[That...is an excellent question.

Peter's gaze drops to where he's still holding Jon's hand. Jon has called himself selfish for wanting to survive. Peter...doesn't like to hear someone that he has so many feelings about talking about themselves like that. But if he looks at it objectively perhaps...

It complicates matters that Peter himself can be a selfish creature. He is willing to admit that he is a selfish creature.]

I...don't know. But I know I'm happy you survived.

[Even if that survival means the pain of others. Peter is not entirely a moral man. And never claimed to be.]

[compellingstatement]

[Jon huffs a sigh and squeezes Peter's hand gently.]

Me, too. Some days.

[Not all or even most, but some.]

I'm trying to make it right where I can... just do better where I can't. Part of doing better is having a reason to be better. You've become one of them. So... thanks for that?

[rosebyanyother]

Well.

[Peter doesn't know how he feels about being thanked for this, the same what he didn't know how he felt about being thanked for not caring about Jon's asexuality. So: his tone is just a little bit light, even as he lifts his gaze and smiles a bit at Jon.]

I think I can count on one hand the times I've been someone's good influence. That's novel.

[...He squeezes back just the same.]