duplicity inbox | un: prince

[rosebyanyother]

"Morrigan Prince. I'm afraid I'm too busy to answer at the moment, but leave a message and I promise to respond as soon as I'm able."

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[wolfehawke]

The hug is not quick for how Hawke lowers his head immediately to Morrigan's shoulder. He should talk. He wants to, but he doesn't want Morrigan to think poorly of him. Doesn't want to be burdensome when there's so much else going on that could be effecting Morrigan with people turning into monsters and sex pollen and whatever other nightmares the city is full of right now.

But he has to talk to someone.

"She'll be back. I know death isn't permanent here, but she'll be back. Yet I can't- I'm so angry." He grits his teeth, closing his eyes tightly. "I don't want to be angry. Maker knows Chris didn't do it on purpose, he's more upset than I am, but I can't be there for him. I want to be, but I'm so Void-damned angry it just bubbles up at the sight of him, right alongside needing to comfort him."

He's in tatters, barely holding it together, but barely is better than not. He takes a shuddering breath, voice suddenly low, imparting a secret he's frightened of speaking aloud but it issues from his throat regardless. "What if she doesn't come back?"

[rosebyanyother]

Peter lifts one of his hands to tangle into Hawke's hair, holding him close as he wrestles with himself and then comes to a decision. As he continues to speak and as he expresses a deep fear.

"She'll be back," he soothes, sounding terribly sure of himself because he is terribly sure of himself. "It's how it works. She won't be an exception."

Offhand...Peter thinks that it's possible he's forgotten if anyone has ever died and not come back. But it's not generally the way.

"You're allowed to be angry." Addressing the rest of it. "I'd be shocked if you weren't. Chris has people to take care of him, you can take the time to be angry."

[wolfehawke]

The assurance Morrigan offers it taken with a small nod, Hawke not lifting his head away just yet so it's likely felt more than seen. He can't quite take it to heart, but it helps.

The rest, though, the rest he knows and it doesn't make it any better.

"It's not about being allowed," he rumbles low, pulling away and moving the few steps into the kitchen just for somewhere to go. It's not far, he's not running, he just needs to move. "Or even that I should be allowed. I don't want to be. I don't do this, I don't feel this, not for those I love. It's akin to being sick."

It feels like that, anyway, when everything is wrong and his body feels foreign and off. He aches and he trembles and he recognizes its with rage or fear or a mixture of the two and it's so much that he's afraid he'll drown in it. That he can't find a way through and this, this is what's going to do him in. Himself.

He's felt it before - when Carver off and joined the Templars, when Anders lied to him - both times Anders lied to him, in Kirkwall and here in Duplicity - but he was able to put it away, set it aside and handle other things until the blaze became more easily snuffed embers. But there's nothing else to focus on, here. No great explosion or Viscount petitions or anything of the sort. There's just him and the roiling burn in his chest that does nothing to cover the knowledge that he should be better than this, that his anger is keeping him from helping someone he loves more than he can stand some days.

That's probably why this is so hard. He has more than one person like that, and one of them is dead at the hands of another.

He paces a bit, ending up with his hands on the counter, shoulders bunched with his back to Morrigan, certain he's now going to push him away too for the ugliness he's carrying around him currently like a shroud.

[rosebyanyother]

Peter doesn't even attempt to keep Hawke in his arms when the man moves away. He lets him go, and watches him move. He doesn't immediately follow after him, either. He just...listens.

What Hawke is saying is certainly interesting. And perhaps a bit troublesome, though not in the way Hawke might think. Peter is quiet for a few moments after he stops talking...just thinking things through.

And then he takes a few steps towards Hawke. Not close enough to touch him again, but there's really no sense he's retreating.

"Maybe that's part of the problem. You may not want to feel this, but you clearly are. You do. It's an understandable feeling. I'm not sure that fighting it is helpful."

Perhaps if Hawke doesn't treat the emotion as invasive, it won't feel as awful.

[wolfehawke]

"I don't know what's helpful in this." He sounds so achingly tired, the bone-weary voice of a man who's certain that, somehow, he's responsible for what's happening and isn't sure how to fix it.

He can't turn around, not yet, but he does lose a little of the tension, though more to helplessness than anything else. "I feel like I'm losing everyone."

He can't stand to look at Chris right now, Amelia's dead, and he and Morrigan... Even in his head, he trails off, having no idea how to finish that sentence. He loves Morrigan but there's still a detective-sized gap he can't seem to bridge. Not something he should be thinking about right now but when one thing goes wrong, his mind can't help but focus on everything that's ever been wrong in his entire life.

"I don't know how to fix this."

[rosebyanyother]

"You aren't losing everyone," Peter counters, taking another few steps towards Hawke. It's hard for him to stay away when Hawke sounds so hurt. Reaching out, he lays a hand on Hawke's shoulder in a gentle but not overwhelming gesture of support. It's soft, even if everything he has to say is not. "Amelia will be back. Your relationship with Chris will survive this."

That, to be fair, isn't the part that might come off as hard. But what he has to say next will probably be difficult to swallow.

"But maybe you can't fix it. Not now, at least. Not while Amelia is gone."

Dead, is what he means of course. But she won't stay dead.

[wolfehawke]

The hand on his back is what does it.

He hasn't cried, not in any meaningful way since Chris told him what happened. He doesn't really cry overmuch anyway, preferring to work through whatever he can with activity and goals instead of wasting energy like that. The last time he had to his recollection was after the Pit.

But sometimes the tears come unbidden. Sometimes you find yourself breaking down in the kitchen because the heat of your own anger scares you too much to feel it as more than sickness and the loneliness of being parted through death or rage or anything else is a precarious balancing act that tumbles the moment that weight is shifted by a soft, understanding hand and that's all it takes for a soft keening sound to escape your throat like it's been trapped there.

He turns and hides himself in Morrigan's shoulder, unable to stem the tide now that the breakers have crumbled.

[rosebyanyother]

It's somewhat unexpected but Peter takes it entirely in stride. There's no moment of hesitation or surprise following the moment of Hawke's turning and crumpling against him. He simply wraps his arms around the man, holding on tight. As tight as he can, secure as he can. Trying to be a haven for Hawke's woes.

[wolfehawke]

"I'm sorry," he swallows, his voice heavy and hoarse even for stemming the tears much sooner than he could have - probably should have, given he still feels them threatening to fall - but he hates crying and this feels like so much further than he should be taking Morrigan's kindness. It makes him feel like a burden and airing strife with his other relationships to another partner feels like a trespass.

But he wants to share, at least. He wants each of his loves to know what's going on with him when it matters, just as he wants to know about all of their lives. Love is a large part of that, at least for him, and so hiding it all also feels wrong. Except, maybe, he'd preferred to have done when he was past this. Past the part where he has to process and be angry and sad and all the things that should be dealt with privately, as he was taught.

He should be fine. He's the eldest, he's the Champion, he's weathered worse and come through stronger. Or so he's been told.

It doesn't feel like it.

"It doesn't matter how many times I've lost people, it never gets any easier."

[rosebyanyother]

"I'm not sure loss ever gets easier to bear, even with practice. Or if it does, the amount must be extraordinary."

Loosening his hold just a bit, Peter lifts a hand to begin to stroke at Hawke's hair softly.

"For the record, you have nothing to apologize for. This is not a hardship or an inconvenience. You've been a support for me. I want to be the same for you."

[wolfehawke]

For a moment, Hawke is gripped by the overwhelming desire to sit with his head in Morrigan's lap, letting his hair be pet and his mind wander for the comfort of being close and intimate with the other man. There's a peace in that he longs for, once he usually doesn't allow himself to have for all he needs to stand strong and tall in the face of everything. Of life. Maker, it's exhausting. Everything is exhausting and he just wants what he can't have.

But he could, if he asked. Deserving or not, he could ask Morrigan to sit with him just for a little while. What harm could it do? And the other man would welcome the chance to help. There's no cause to doubt that.

"Alright," Hawke offers, his voice sounding of exhaustion and surrender. He doesn't move, keeping his head bowed against Morrigan's shoulder. "Please, if-... I'd like if you'd just sit with me. On the couch maybe."

[rosebyanyother]

Peter turns his head slightly, pressing a kiss to Hawke's temple in the aftermath of his actually asking for what he wants. Needs.

"Of course. For as long as you'd like."